Let me start out by saying I'm not interested in anyone's opinion who hasn't walked in my shoes. Read that again. I AM NOT INTERESTED IN ANYONES OPINION WHO HASN'T WALKED IN MY SHOES.
Did you know that narcissistic abusers will try to continue to abuse you from a distance through other people after you leave the toxic relationship? That's right. They're called flying monkeys. Yup, just like the Wizard of Oz. By definition a flying monkey is someone who actively participates in attempts to destroy the narcissists targets reputation. They do the dirty work for them and sometimes they don't even know it.
Narcissists turn to flying monkeys when their victim eludes them. When they learn delete, block, no contact. By the way delete, block, no contact is different than the silent treatment or ghosting in that it's not being used for punishment it's being used for self-preservation.
I'm a christian I wholeheartedly believe God can change anything or anyone but, there's a key factor to all of that, that God won't touch. Free will. People have to choose him. They have to go to him on their own. They have to seek him. He will reveal himself to them. He will talk to them. He will even bless their lives but, they won't know him until they decide to. I watched my husband as I prayed for him day in and day out. I prayed over him at night when he slept. I laid healing hands on him and put blessed oil on him at times while he was sleeping. He changed. Slowly, but he changed. He let go of some addictions. He turned to God and said that he prayed. Oh he made changes all right but. He never let go of his hatred and anger for his past life. He never let go of other peoples mistakes. They moved on with their lives and they weren't the slightest bit concerned with the fact that he was mad at them and it tore him up. Day in and day out. Some days of course were worse than others but, the people that suffered were me, and the kids. My oldest son caught the brunt of it because he's the most protective of me and I don't have a back down button. Does that make it right? Nope, not at all.
I left because it was the right thing to do. I left because it was best for me and my kids. I left because I was left with no choice. I left because I was tired of being manipulated. I left because I was tired of being lied to. I left because I was already alone. I left because there is no point in being with someone who never wants to be with you. I left because I was tired of being used. I left because I lived with a narcissist who only looked out for himself.
Do you know what it's like to have someone come into your home and wipe out all traces of you, your personality, your kids pictures?
Do you know what it's like for someone to tell you that they're going to a dangerous country with or without your permission and acceptance and "they don't care if you're here when they get back", "no one will ever tell them no", and then leave their child with you for you to take care of?
Do you know what it's like for someone to tell you that your children shouldn't be your priority?
Do you know what it's like for someone to quit their business partner, sit on their butt, and expect and allow you to take care of them and their child?
Do you know what it's like for them to do things like skydive, fish, hike, drive around, talk to other women, snuggle up next to other women for photos, all while you're paying the bill. Not just the bill for them to do those things, but all the bills, and the groceries, and the cigarettes and well anything else you can think of.
Do you know what it's like for them to tell you 'it's all your fault' that they act that way?
Well, I do. I know it far too well. I'm sorry but, I'm not sorry that I saved myself from that. I'm sorry but, I'm not sorry that I'm never going back to that. I actually made that mistake 3 times. In 2015, 2018, and 2020. I WILL NOT make that mistake in 2022. WON'T HAPPEN.
Did you know that when people are angry they will tell you the truth? In 2018 in an argument I was told "I will take you for every dime I can get, I will suck you dry." Did you know that he cost me 2 jobs, not just 1 but 2. In 2019 I had become so distant and displaced in my career ( prior to him I was climbing a corporate ladder, making huge strides in my career and excited about my work) that I was eventually let go as part of a corporate restructuring. I personally think they liked me so they didn't want to fire me but, they also didn't want me there then either. In 2022 I stepped out on faith, I worked a job I hated for so long that I couldn't take it anymore. I had not had a choice up to that point. I had a man that REFUSED straight up REFUSED to help me financially. I was the one that provided the insurance. I was the one that provided the vehicles. I was the one that provided everything that was required to be an adult and I finally just walked away from everything to save myself.
And then... flying monkeys.
Oh those flying freaking monkeys.
Did you know that he still loves me? Sure he does, he loves and misses everything I'm not providing for him anymore.
Did you know that he has a soul too? Yup, I did, as I mentioned I prayed for him and over him too many times to count. Did you know he's responsible for his own relationship with God?
Did you know that I should go to therapy with him? Here's one for you, did you know I tried that? I even paid for it. $150 a trip for him to yell at me in front of someone to attempt to hear them say 'it's your fault' only to watch him get more angry and ignore when they said 'do you not understand why you're getting this reaction from her?'
Did you know that this isn't everything there are far more in depth details and examples that are far to personal to ever put into a document like this?
Did you know that all the 'remodeling' I've done and am doing is to cover the holes and the bruises that the house faced through this toxic relationship?
Did you know that even his family is glad is it's over?
Did you know that people have told me they 'wanted to warn me' but, they didn't? They didn't think it was their place. They assumed I wouldn't listen. They knew that he had me. They were afraid of him if he found out they'd warned me.
Did you know that God moves people out of bad situations? Did you know that if you pray and ask God to help you get back on the path that he has for your life that he will close doors that you need closed in order to get you where you're supposed to be?
I do. I trust that God has me exactly where I'm supposed to be. I have been derailed for the last 7 years. I am getting back on track and this train is moving and no narcissist and no flying monkey is going to stop that.
I will continue to pray for him. From a distance. I survived.