When I sit down and think about it, I've done this a few times now. It's not like a pickup with everything you own, move away and start over alone type thing but, it feels that way. It isn't anything I set out to do. Well maybe 1 of them was but, only after years of weighing the options until the straw finally broke the proverbial camel's back.
It makes one wonder how you get there. What led to the 'I can't do this anymore' mindset? It's never just one thing. It's a ton of tiny little things that pile up and pile up with no real or lasting reprieve until one day you look around and think 'I'm miserable, something has to give.'
For me, I pray. I pray anyway but in times like this I always look to God for guidance for the 'ok' or 'approval' factor that I personally desperately need. Then one day when I I've seen the 10,000th sign or heard something that just resonated with my heart I do it.
Oh man, the getting to that point though, that's a long uphill battle for me. I'm not one to say 'I'm done' so easily and actually mean it. It takes a lot. Like sometimes years of a lot of bad.
After I feel like I have God's permission I make my plan. I have to have a step by step how to guideline to be able to walk away from something. The first time I did this I was set up in a basement apartment, working full time, going to college full time at night and I hated my job. It was one of those where you cried, screamed, and prayed all the way to work in the mornings. It wasn't the people, they were great, it was the company itself and the work we did. I wasn't cut out for it. It hurt my heart. I went in turned in my notice with nothing to go to and I instantly felt better. 2 weeks of no job after that spent searching and breathing and I had a new job with several dollars per hour better pay that I spent several years doing and really enjoyed. Another time I left my husband - no easy feat there. Years of turmoil and planning (one of the reasons I was back in school), and I made it. I survived even with kids I survived without him and was better for it. Until.
Well, I've done it again. This time I filed for divorce with my 2nd husband. I left my job without another to fall back on. Covid changed a lot of things for me and 1 of which was missing out on time with my boys. They only get 1 momma. Now as for the financial stuff, I'm still figuring all that out. As for the rest of it. The knot in my stomach is gone. I feel lighter. For so long I carried the weight of 5 people on my shoulders alone (with God but alone here). It wasn't something I was meant to do by myself. My health declined, my weight went up, and I came damn near burning every bridge I had to cling to something that wasn't what we needed.
I learned a long time ago that kids are happiest and healthiest when parents are happy and healthy. They see your stress and anxiety. They know, even when you think they couldn't possibly understand. You'd be surprised.
So now... Kids, Horses, Animals, Farm, Family, Friends. I'm still praying, and more than ever. I don't have it figured out. I barely know how to find my footing. I can wish things had been different all day every day, but it doesn't make it so. Marriages takes 2. It's not 50/50 it's 120/120 all day every day. If you don't have the same values, goals, & dreams and you don't put your all into everything, everyday, especially when you don't want to, it won't work.
I knew better. I saw red flags. I chose to ignore them. It cost me. Now I've closed that chapter of my life and it's on to the next one.
Unfortunately, some things are only hear for a season and seasons change.
You may be asking yourself why share all this? Seems pretty personal. Everyone today shares everything and too much most of the time, right? Well... I'm pretty much an open book as it is. I have an ask and if I think it's your business I'll tell you or if I don't want to I won't. Either way. It's pretty much just how I operate. I have nothing to hide. But.. With this. This is different if somehow, someway, sharing my story helps someone then it's worth taking the time to put it all down.
Recently someone asked me (not knowing much at all about my own experience with it) how someone who is otherwise a pretty reasonably intelligent person can be brainwashed. My response then, now, and 10 years from now, emotional and mental abuse and the trauma it leaves behind knows nothing of IQ. Smart people are mentally and emotionally abused all the time.
So... For those looking for answers. Asking themselves "why me" or "what's wrong with me" maybe just maybe this will help.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you 'declares the lord 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"