I don't know about anyone else but, I know for me just when I start to get my feet under me something comes along and knocks me down. Or at least it has for the last 8 yrs. Till now. I've made changes. Some of those changes really suck (depending on your perception). Oddly enough those changes seem to have also changed my luck for the better.
I don't want to say it out loud because I'm afraid I'll jinx it. Yet.... Things are going well. 34 days 0 contact. NONE AT ALL. And... Things seem to be picking up. It's actually pretty amazing. I went out recently, without incident. Before or after.
Don't get me wrong... I've had things going on but it hasn't been anything that I couldn't deal with or couldn't afford. Back a year ago, 2 years ago... I had 0 money. I couldn't take care of the 'adult' things because my narcissistic ex husband took every dime I made. One of the worst things you can do in a narcissistic relationship is let them have access to your wallet, your bank, or your car (I used to keep a $20 in the car for emergencies, I learned it as a teenager and have just always done it. - with him i never had it when needed.)
So when I had to replace my HVAC last week, and I went out the weekend, I had 1 the ability to do it, 2 it was handled and the world didn't end as a result.
That said... is that what I wanted to do with that money - heck no! Not by a long shot. ADULTING stinks. The thing is being able to jump when life attempts to pull the rug. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting better at it.
That's the thing... That's what is keeping me going. I really am getting better at it. Even when I heard that someone else had seen the 'videos' and heard the 'see i told you she's crazy'.. It phased me of course but, not like it did. Know why? Because what's he going to do?? He's getting the same response from everyone he shows it to.. "why did you push her like that" ; "what did you let it get there for"; "she's not normally like that"; that's one of the reasons he cut people off left and right, they aren't turning on me like he thought they would. They aren't allowing him to play the victim. Some of them didn't know him that long and they caught on real quick to how everything was everyone else's fault. No accountability. EVER.
I mention that because it's hard to ADULT when you have no accountability, no responsibility. I could never take care of the "necessary's" in a proper manner because no matter what I was always having to do it the cheapest way possible.
So... Here I am. On what appears to be the 'flip side' of healing. Only.. I went out the weekend. I'm not sure I'm ready for all that. I may be getting TOO comfortable in my solitude. Not having someone else to worry about what they want to do, where they want to go, what obligations they have, and how they want to do things, is really nice. Too nice.
But you know what. I'm prepared now. I'm ready to do life alone. I'm really enjoying it actually.
What is it they say, you find someone when your not looking. Well here's the thing.. They'll have to find me because I'm REALLY NOT looking.