As I sit here this evening I find myself stuck on something I read earlier. It said "Sometimes it seems that the louder someone claims sainthood, the bigger the horns they are hiding - Steve Maraboli. " I didn't equate the term 'sainthood' to Christians when I first read it but a comment did which caught my attention. Others stemmed from that and went down what I would call a rabbit hole on this. Which really got me thinking and in turn made me really sad. I've got a couple 'narcissists' in my life. One of which wasn't a parent but played a big role in raising me. The 1st of the 'narcissists' for me I suppose. They are a christian and very much so at that. This thought really struck a chord with me.
What if I'm a narcissist? I had one who played a major role in raising me. Who did everything she could to push every button I had to get a reaction out of me because she enjoyed it. She wasn't / isn't the sociopathic type not like my ex husband but she has narcissistic tendencies and borderline pd. She's always been very concerned with her appearance; not just her looks but, how people perceived her, her life, her home, her family all of it. It was a show she put on for outsiders. Growing up I thought of her as my prayer warrior and I believe for a large part of my life she was. It's the Jekyll / Hyde personality I guess. When she was feeling it she was all about praying for me and taking me to church and doing things with me to help me be 'better' but when she wasn't she was telling me I needed to stay in a marriage that was clearly abusive and she knew more of what was going on inside that marriage than anyone else because it was her that I would call and ask to pray for me. She was a large part of the reason I thought I had to stay in that marriage.
So yes, Narcissists can be Christians. Some of them. Those that aren't completely unable to love or feel. They are human. They will be judged in heaven just as we all will be. They too can ask for forgiveness and pray for change and try to get help and all of that. Just like you and me.
I'm a Christian does that make me a narcissist? No! I may have a judgmental moment from time to time but, I don't judge. I have a past. I have people in my past I'm not proud of. I've done things I'm not proud of. I may get embarrassed about how that looks to people. None of that makes me a narcissist. It makes me human. None of that makes me less of christian either. The bible is not full of perfect people. It is full of sinners who were saved by grace and came to know God and do his work.
It is not judgmental to look at your life or the people in and around it and say 'this person is into this and this goes against God, they go against my personal beliefs and this is not the type of person I want in my life', that is 'self preservation'. If that person is stealing cars and you don't know that and you've just got this bad vibe or you have this gut feeling that something isn't right, that is NOT judgmental. That's using your head. If your a christian and you believe in angels and the Holy Spirit it very well could be the Holy Spirit telling you to 'move along'. That does NOT make you judgmental. As parents we do this to our kids. We tell them you can't run around little Johnny because he's doing this and this and there's rumors around town that he's into this type of thing and you aren't going to do that. If you want to be little Johnny's friend that's fine but, he's going to come here and hang out where I can keep an eye on things. He can go to dinner or church with us but we're going to keep this friendship over here.
Guess what that's called "GOOD PARENTING" that's not controlling.
The more I dig into this the more I ask myself am I controlling? Yes, I probably am. I'm a mom in 2022. I'm doing everything I can to keep my kids safe. Have you seen the news? Enough said.
I ask myself am I judgmental? Yes. I probably am. Again. I'm a mom in 2022. There are certain types of people I DO NOT want in our lives. We've been through enough. I'm not inviting anyone else in who isn't good for us.
Then I start wondering again. Am I narcissist? NOPE. Why not? That's exactly what a narcissist would say. Yeah it is. But, would a true narcissist be sitting here wondering if they're a narcissist? NO! Why not? Because they DON'T care.
If you're thinking about narcissists and you're wondering if it's possible for them to be christian or not. It is. It's sad. It is possible to believe that God sent his only son Jesus Christ to die for our sins on a cross to save us from death. Does that mean that they'll act the way a true christian should act? Not necessarily. Remember they're human and they're not without flaw. Just because they're a christian or a believer doesn't make them automatically perfect no more than it makes the rest of us perfect.
Somethings to think about narcissists is that they need people. They need a source or a boost. I was suspicious of a few of my ex's behaviors but, when I started really watching him around other people I really started paying attention. I first thought he was just social but, it was so much more than that. He wanted their attention. He didn't' just want their attention he needed it.
When you have a narcissist in your life you're a source for them. You feed their ego. You supply their needs.
If you're not sure if you're with a narcissist ask yourself some questions:
How many times have you broken up and gotten back together?
How many times have they told you they would change and didn't?
How many times have you needed to talk to them and they've dodged the subject?
How many times have they lashed out at you because they didn't like the conversation?
How many times have they told you 'your crazy'?
How many times have they hurt you?
Now... How many times have they told you 'your the best thing that ever happened to them'?
How many times did they blame you for something they did or something that happened to them?
Having had narcissists in my life I learned that the best thing to do is not have contact with them. Anything will send them running back until they either find another source or come to terms with you not being available to them anymore. The latter is far much more painful and even if they find another source they'll likely still try to win you back because they had you in their clutches already. I broke up with my last narcissist several times. He would go either completely silent and totally ghost me or he would pursue me relentlessly there was no in between. It was the all or nothing attitude that he accused me .of doing so many times. I didn't see it for what it was. I'd never had anyone pursue me like that before. It must be because he loved me so much. It wasn't though. It was because of what I did for him.
My narcissist moved in a left his business shortly after and then blamed me for the loss of it. He threw dining chairs across the kitchen because I told him no. He told me I was a narcissist because I told him if he wouldn't work he had to leave. He used our kiddo to keep tabs on me and keep his foot in my door. If I called or texted him for any reason his response was 'he needed to come over'. He knew he was hurting me and the kids but, he didn't care. He knew he was taking money away from our family and not contributing but, he didn't want to work. He would scream at me and make me cry then tell me he wasn't yelling at me and that he couldn't talk because people were around. But, yet he had just screamed at me. He lied to me constantly. 1 recent instance I caught him. Saw him with my own eyes. He lied. I asked a different way. He lied more in depth. I went around it differently and he went even further with it. After the 3rd time I told him what I had saw and asked was he going to continue to lie about it? He tried. Then he told me he lied because he didn't want to hear it. Ok. If you knew I would say something about it why, do it? Because, he didn't care if he hurt me. He only wanted to do what he wanted.
Getting out is hard. They keep coming back. They find any reason to try to keep a foot in the door. They blame you. They will even say things like they know it's not your fault, it's all their fault and they'll try to guilt you through 'not giving' them another chance.
If you take them back like I did, just don't. If you get out. Stay out.
To them you're an addiction nothing more than a drug and they will use you like they would any other drug and then one day you're not going to be enough for them anymore. Don't react to them. Stay away from them. It's not the silent treatment it's remove, block, delete. It's NO CONTACT. No contact is not ghosting. Ghosting is when you drop someone for no or little reason just because you're done talking to them and go on about your life. No contact is when you are protecting yourself, your sanity, your family, when the only option is to have no further communication of any type with them.
You love them, you want to believe they've changed. They may even look like they have. They'll start the love bombing all over and it will feel good, trust me I know. But, it's not real. They don't love you. They can't.
One of my narcs favorite things to say to me was/is 'you always fight we me about the same thing, nothing ever changes'. Key words: you always, nothing ever changes. My narc would also blame me for whatever it was. He would go down rabbit holes and change the subject every chance he got. He would 'duck dodge' to get out of it. If he was on the phone, he would say 'it's raining', 'I'm in front of people', 'you always do this', then he would get mean 'I want off the phone now, tell me you love me and hang up.'
He would say things to purposely hurt me to get me to hang up on him just to get off the phone with me. He would drive away when he was at home and turn his phone off. Then he would say that his 'therapist' said to remove himself and not engage in arguments.
He has had me more times than I can count question if I'm actually the crazy one, if I'm the narcissist, or if the problem is me. I actually tell people now I'm a 2 time loser in marriage and I'm the common denominator.
I've been told I'm crazy so much I believe it. I've been told I don't make sense so often that I question how I sound when I talk to anyone and I've become more and more of a reclusive.
I've been told I've had conversations that I didn't have so many times that I'm afraid I'm senile.
I've been told I'm too sensitive my entire life. Literally my entire life. So I've become relatively cold. When I would cry he would scream at me to 'cry bitch cry', he would call me weak, he would tell me that I was only 'crying to get my way and manipulate'.
I went to marriage counseling twice. I paid for it. It ended up with him telling me that he was only going so that I could hear for myself how someone else would agree with him. When the counselor looked at him and said "do you not understand why she reacts the way she does" he stormed out, 'he needed a break'. When he returned, he went on with the session as if he had never heard any of that and when we later got into the car he left every bit of that out and began to pick things she had said to me out and throw them in my face. He'd completely blocked out the whole thing.
I hear things like 'Narcissists believe you owe them these things: time, kindness, attention, companionship.' Ok, so am I a narcissist?? If I go by this, I am. Why? Because that's exactly what I want out of a relationship. That is my love language. Time, attention, physical touch, words of affirmation. Those things are things I need. Most people to some extent need this. Otherwise what's the point in being in a relationship. So am I a narcissist? I don't think so. Maybe, who knows.
A narcissist will take this list and completely misrepresent everything on it. They would tell you that I'm a narcissist because yes, these things are things I need. These things are boundaries for me. I desire a companion. I want to someone to spend time with me. I want someone to take an interest in things I do. Let's see. The expectation from my relationship with my narc; I was to be available when they wanted, I went with them, they didn't go with me, if I spent time with them it was on their terms, they had no interest in anything I did. I eventually became that way but, that was a self preservation mechanism that allowed me to detach from the narc. If i was doing my own thing without him I was teaching myself to be without him.
I go back to my main point and what prompted this whole post. Can narcs be christians? Can they be religious? Can they be spiritual? Yes! Anyone can be religious and not believe in God. Yes! Anyone can be spiritual and not be christian. There is too much here subject to interpretation. On the one hand. I want to say 'you're nuts, they can't love God when they only love themselves' but... christians are Sinners Saved By Grace. John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten son that whosoever believe in him shall have everlasting life.
I believe they can believe in God. I believe they can believe in Jesus Christ. I also believe they can be redeemed. I'm just not the one that can do that for them. God can. I can't.