I heard something this morning at church that really stuck with me. It was actually in one of the worship songs but, it jumped out. "Sometimes Faith has Growing Pains".
My faith has had a lot of growing pains over the years. I was raised in church but, I was in and out of it a lot. I hit 17 and stopped going to rebel. Then in my early 20's I started back and I was in and out from there on after. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior at the age of 12 and it was not without it's challenges. It's hard being raised in a small town, in a small church, and looking at the people around you feeling judged by everything you do or say. I look back now and I realized those people who were judging me were really judging their own lives because them and their kids turned out way worse that I did. But, then I think that sounds judgy of me to say so I take a step back and myself what happened to them that they did the things they did. They were at the same church I was. They were around the same kids I was. The same adults. But... Something made them take a wrong turn.
"It will come together." That was the message of the day today. You have no idea how close this hits home with me. I need this right now. I've spent the last couple of weeks weak in faith. There has been so much going on that my faith has waivered. My depression has kicked into overdrive and things that make me happy have been a massive effort. Even getting outside in the sunshine and I'm a outdoors, sunshine, girl.
I am so ready to see some things come together. It's funny I know that God will take care of me. I'm not worried about that. What I'm worried about is how he's going to take care of me. What I've got to do to get there. What's got to happen for him to be able to. See I've lost people along the way. This was in the sermon today also. "Whoever left was not meant for God's purpose at this season". It hurts to have people leave for whatever reason and there are times that it's a stronger hurt than others. Even when you know you are in a better place without those people in your lives.
That's part of what I've been dealing with. The divorce was finally finalized. Now to really understand me and to really understand why that is important you'll have to subscribe and read about the narcissistic side of my marriage. I have this thing called a trauma bond and PTSD. I know God wants me to be alone right now. I know that God wants my kids and I to have time to heal. I know that there is no man that I want in my life right now. I have male friends and no there not that kind of friend but, that's it. They're there as a friend only because God knows that's what I need. That's all I need.
It will come together. Naomi in Ruth lost everything, her husband, her sons, and God still had something for her. Naomi changed her name to Mara. Mara means bitter. Christians get bitter. Christians get depressed. Christians lose faith. Why? We know better. We're human. We make mistakes. We don't see the forest for the trees. When you lose your marriage (even when it's bad) it's still depressing. So even when you know it's coming. Even when you know the judge is going to sign it. When you get that notice that it's been signed, it just changes things.
Romans 8:28 "All things work together for good to them that Love God, to them who are called according to this purpose."
Ruth 1:16 " Ruth Replied "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. "
In the first part of Ruth Naomi looses everything. Ruth stays when Naomi. 4 Chapters later Boaz takes Ruth as his wife and she has a son. Naomi, has a grandson. God redeems Naomi. Obed was the father of Jesse, who was the father of David.
Ruth 4:11-12 "Then the elders and all the people at the gate said "we are witnesses. May the Lord make the woman who is coming into your home like Rachel and Leah, who together built up the family of Israel. May you have standing in Ephrathah and be famous in Bethlehem. 12 - Through the offspring the Lord gives you by this young woman, may your family be like that of Perez, whom Tamar bore to Judah."
Matthew 13-44 "The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field."
Matthew 10:31 "So do not be afraid, you are more valuable to God than many sparrows"
Matthew 6:26 " Look at the birds of the air; They do not sow or reap or gather into barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"
Everything you love will come with something that you don't. Success comes with sacrifice. Money comes with stress. Everything you love has a price. So that's the thing that I'm learning. I have kids. I wanted kids. I love my kids. They come with stress. They come with work. They come with sleepless nights. I still want them. I still love them. I don't want the 9-5 anymore. I don't want the commute. I don't want the time lost with my family. I don't want the time lost with my animals. I don't want the time lost from the things I love. So what comes with it? I don't know. Less money? Less stuff? More work? More time spent on other things to get money in? Isolation? Less going and doing? Ok. I'm ok with that. God has been protecting me. God is still protecting me. God is going to provide for me. God is going to bring the right people into my life. God is going to do everything according to his will for my life. I want his will for my life. I want what comes with it.
I am going through trials but, there will be grace. I am going through loneliness but, there will be grace. God knows my name. He knows my heart. He knows what I'm dealing with. He knows the 'demons' that are after me those that I created myself and those I didn't. I have faith. I trust in God. I know that only God can show me his will. I hope that I'm like the man in Matthew who can sell all that they have to go buy the field that reminds them of a hidden heaven. That's what I love. My family. Nature. Land. Animals. Room to spread out and graze. I don't see the way to the farm I really want and hope for. To the work I love to do. But.... If that's God's will for my life I dont have to see the way, God is my way maker and he will close doors, he will open doors, he will remove people, he will add people. God will make the way.
I hold to my faith. Faith is not without work. Some days are harder than others. Some days I'm tired and I don't know why. Some days I am tired from working. Some days I'm tired from breathing. All days I have faith God will get me through. God will not fail me. He hears my prayers. He knows my heart. He knows things I can't even begin to imagine. I look forward to all God's will has for my life.