It's been a minute since I've been on. Ok. It's been a month. It's been a heck of a month at that. The kids started back to school. My job is really taking off. The ex is back - sort of but, not really. I feel blessed and at the same time I feel as though my whole world is upside down.
Have you ever felt like that? It's that feeling of things are going really well but, something is not quite right. Like it is all going to implode at any minute. Well.... Let's backtrack a little bit. Back in January I had just finalized my divorce. I quit my job and I took a massive leap of faith and put all my eggs in Gods basket. The next 6 months was a ride. Literally. I've been training horses, building barns, remodeling the house, raising kids, puppies, cats, and leaning on Gods word the entire time.
When he opens doors he opens big ones. The job market was insane when I quit. I didn't have anything lined up and didn't want anything. I used ebay to survive. It worked. And then.... I was led to change up my cover letter I decided to write one that told a prospective employer what I wanted. It took a while but it hit the desk of my now boss and his wife. I love this job. I'm having so much fun. They don't mind the need for flexibility. They love that I'm getting things done and they don't mind that I call it like I see it.
I couldn't ask for anything better. It has turned out to be everything I prayed for and more. But. Within just a few days of seeing them, accepting the position, and turning a new leaf my ex popped up. I wasn't sure how to feel about it at first. I mean we had the protection order and all that so I was really leery of just being around him. He's not medicated right now so it can be a rollercoaster of eventful, unexpected stuff..... But it wasn't. It was comfortable and familiar. We met, talked, and the next day everything blew to pieces. The relationship I had built with my dad for the first time in my life crumbled right before my eyes all because an assumption was made that he was back.
I still don't know what he is. He's stuck. Well I guess I do know what he is after all. He wants what he had and I refuse to go back to way things were. I put boundaries in place. He was and still is not allowed to be around when the kids are home. I'm just not going to do that to them. That for him is a problem because of course he wants to come and go as he pleases and I refuse to allow it. He would've moved back in and taken over like he never missed a beat if I hadn't put boundaries up.
He doesn't see what he does. He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. He pushes. He takes. He doesn't give back. He refuses to "fix" anything because he wants to run away from it or ignore it altogether. That's fine for him but, it doesn't work for me. I'm very type A, and I'm a fixer. I need to talk it out, dissect it from every angle and then resolve it. The problem is he's the love of my life. I wish I could explain it. There is just something about him that reeled me in from the 1st day we met and I've never been able to break free completely.
That's it right there isn't it. I haven't broken free.
I've had people say "you're divorced, why do you care"? My answer 'because i do.' I don't know how to answer that. I want to say how do you just stop loving someone but then I think about it and my first husband, I did. I don't love him, I didn't long before we divorced and I question if I ever did at all. But.... Not this one. This one I love so much it is killing me. I look back at where I was 7 yrs ago and where I was headed, and where I am now. I got derailed. Massively derailed. But. It's ok. I think.
So I recently celebrated a birthday. I turned 45. I think about that and I think at least half of my life is gone, if I'm lucky enough to get another 45 years. Right now, I honestly don't know if I want that or not. The 1st 45 have been so difficult I'm not sure I want another 45. I married my first one at 18 and was married for 18 years. I met the second a couple years later and we've been together going on 8 years. I have spent the majority of my life in bad relationships. At this point I'm scared to death to make a move.
I'm scared to death to talk to anyone. I'm scared to death to breathe.
I have a stepson who I raised as my own during those 8 years who I rarely get to talk with anymore because his birth mom decided she was finally ready to play house. She "appreciated" my taking care of him all those years but "it isn't my responsibility now", she saw her opportunity and like the snake she is she wrapped herself around him and drug him away.
My kids are almost grown. I'm counting the months until they graduate high school. When I get these kids out of school, if this country is still on the map, I'm on the road. Horses, cats, dogs, all of it, I'm headed west. Oklahoma, North Texas, Arkansas, I'm not sure where yet but I'm out of here. I have 1 job to do. Get these kids graduated.
You know the best part. My new bosses they're on board with that. They said... "go wherever you want, just keep working for us". I got 1 word for them "OK!!" Cause that is not a problem at all....
My ex, both of them actually, I mentioned that to them and they both acted like they were coming with me. I mean seriously guys. I divorced you and you're coming with me?
Back to that 2nd husband. What do you do? I prayed. Oh man I've prayed for this guy. I never prayed for my 1st husband the way I pray for this man. I don't know if God brought him back in my life or if Satan is testing me like Job but, I do know that I'm more confused now than I've ever been.
I don't want to lose my family. The way I see it I shouldn't have to choose. My family should support me no matter what I decide to do or who I decide to do it with. My family is lucky and they have no clue just how lucky they are. I'm the only 1 divorced. I'm the only one that stepped out of my marriage(s) and say I'm not doing this anymore. They've got 40+ years some of them. Others 20+, my brother 14+.... They have no clue what it's like to lose everything especially when you're the one that had to make that decision because the other person wasn't interested in doing right.
On the other hand I'm having to put this in God's hands again. It's not a leap of faith like before but, it's holding to the faith that God has a plan and his plans are to prosper me not to harm me and if I keep praying and pray without ceasing everything will happen in his perfect will in his perfect timing the way he intends it to. Does that sound stupid? If you know my story probably so. But, if you know my story you know I'm learning to lean on God and not make my own decisions alone. I'm learning to walk and let God guide me. I have to move and I don't know which way to move so all I can do is trust that God will show me when it's not the right move.
I'm trusting that my faith and my prayers will be enough for God to do the same with my ex. He needs to move. He's stuck. He's got to either let me go from 'wife' mindset or he's got to make the required and necessary changes for things to be different, and better. But straddling the fence, not making a decision is in fact doing exactly that. It is choosing to remain stuck. It's choosing to remain between. The past is gone, we're in today, and tomorrow is yet to be seen so we can't stay stuck. We have to move and we have to trust that God will lead is to move in the right way and I pray every single day that he show me red flags, reveal truths, anything done in the dark is brought to the light, anything and everything that I need to see to make the right decision I see. I also pray for my husband for healing. I know some of the reasons he is the way he is and I know he needs healing that only God can bring and peace that can only be found by trusting in the Lord. I ask God every day that he find that.
I don't want to let him go either but, I'm more ready now than I've ever been because now, I cry myself to sleep, if i sleep, but i get up and I start over. I brush my teeth. I comb my hair. I smile and get my kids off to school and I start my day with purpose. I'm praying that soon I will feel like concentrating more time on myself, looking better, feeling better. I will get there but it's a slow go. But... It's a go.