The last several days have been the most chaotic I've seen in a while. I mean it sometimes amazes me the level of chaos that comes with some people. Oddly enough for the right person, I'm willing to trudge right through it with them.
Let's just roll back a bit shall we. My ex-husbands birthday was almost 2 weeks ago. (There's a whole other blog post about it). Then there was the hearing on the stuff I dropped. So since then things changed a bit.
Friday night I found myself in a 3rd party conversation with him with a game of telephone going on. You know the one, where it starts out 1 thing and ends up somewhere completely different. Well that's what was happening.
Except that it was text messages that were getting misinterpreted. Way to easy to do. So I decided to set out on foot for a few miles to put a stop to it because I'd had a little to drink and didn't have my car.
Maybe I shouldn't have but, I did. And today, I'm glad I did.
So... Finally some one-on-one, face-to-face communication that neither of us can shy away from. The only thing we can do is avoid the hard topics, which we did. For now.
Friday night / Saturday morning was almost like well it wasn't almost it was like reconnecting with an old friend. It was comfortable and familiar and nice. It was much needed.
There were a few things talked about but we were having such a nice time just being together that neither of us wanted to ruin that by getting into the other stuff.
After we parted ways Saturday some things came out. Some angry words were said and some other things were put out there. Part of the process right? Got to get it out. Hours later we met up again for dinner and a cocktail we came back home, my place, whatever you want to call it and he helped me fix my tv and slept. He said he felt safe and relaxed with me, I don't remember him ever having said that to me before. I don't know that he was ever that comfortable with me when we were married.
When we parted ways Sunday evening things were on good terms. In his words "we're good". I guess I could say the same thing. I mean I want to do more but, I can't. If I'm going to be stupid I've got to be smart about it.
I don't know if what we have is fixable there's so much stuff but, I do know neither of us want more of the same and both of us want things to be better. I also know that both of us know the other one is going to be in their life to some degree. The question is 'what does that look like'?
I don't think anyone knows. I can tell you my 'fantasy' and what that looks like but, it's just that. It's a fantasy. Right now that can't happen. That's 2-3 years down the road just because of the timing of everything that has to happen first.
Not to mention my family is off the charts pissed off about me even speaking to him as if they have any control over who I talk to. They've even deemed me 'unspeakable to' because of it all. I never have understood how people could be that way but, that's what they're doing. It's really crazy if you ask me.
I mean we're supposed to be christians. They are supposed to be christians and yet this man who's currently homeless, who I love, is 'unhelpable' because they don't like him. So what, he isn't "fit" to help? See. I have a problem with that. To me. This person, whom I love, is more "helpable" than anyone because for the first time in over a year he is 'trying' to do something different and be something better. I'm the only one who can see it because I'm the only one who took the time to open the lines of communication.
I dont know what God has planned for our lives. I have no idea what his will is. What I do know is that right now this man is in my life. If God wanted him out of my life he would be. Maybe we had to go through everything we did the last 8 months to get to this point. Maybe it had to happen the way it did to be able to get to this point. We were too angry before both of us. We were too distant. We needed a time out and a complete separation. We needed to experience life without the other one.
What we found... So far.. Neither of us want to do life without the other one not completely anyway. The rest is yet to be determined.
I think it's unfair that I feel disowned by my parents because I love someone they don't approve of. It's not like I just moved him back in. I didn't. I can't. I have kids that were involved in all this. I'm not so stupid that I just pretend like nothing happened and say 'honey come home' I mean give me a break what kind of parent do they think I am.
I can answer that. In my family's eyes, I'm just a stupid girl. I'm not an independent grown woman who survives on her own with little to no outside help. That's all because I don't think like them. I challenge them. I don't do things like them.
I'm breaking generational curses and chains. Never again at my age will someone tell me who I can talk to or be friends with or have in my home. Never ever will anyone tell me who I can help, or how. Never will anyone tell me who to love.
I dont know where this goes. The future has yet to be seen. But, right now, this minute. Things are just as they should be.