Today has been one of those days that I don't do well. I've struggled with it my whole life. From the time I was 12 I was taking care of other people. It's what I do. I've been called everything from bossy, mothering, controlling, pushy, empath, and nurturer. The problem is I suppose I'm all of those. My poor kids, my poor ex's.
Up until I was 12 my mom was sort of the stay-at-home type. She worked but she only worked when we needed her to it wasn't ever really consistent and when she did I stayed with aunts, uncles, etc... When I was 12 she went back to college and became a nurse. I was old enough, and a girl, and whatever.... I had to take care of my little brother. So, I learned from a really young age to put others needs before my own.
This weekend I did something for me. It was his birthday weekend and had I been able to I would've done something for him but, circumstances being what they are that couldn't happen. So, instead. I did something for me. I jumped for the first time in 22 months. 22 Months!! I don't know how I ever let it get that far. It was AMAZING! It felt so good. I was able to share it with friends. It was so awakening.
Since then I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want. I have no clue what that is but, at least I can say that honestly and with an open mind. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WANT.
You see up until the last couple of days I thought I wanted him. I wanted to talk to him. Smell him. Run my fingers through his hair. Snuggle with him. But those things... those things don't happen often enough. The reality is when he's around he's distant. He's cold. He has no feeling or empathy to my needs. He likes for me to hold him when he has a rough time but he never wanted to reciprocate that. Everything was always about how he felt and what he needed. My needs physically, emotionally, mentally, even sexually went unattended to. He would withhold affection just because.
I never understood what I did that was so wrong but, looking back I don't think I will ever get it. I don't think like him. I can't think like him. There were somethings I got. There were some things that I thought I understood but it wasn't enough.
After I spent so much time thinking about it and looking at it and watching it all I just don't think I want him either. I don't want anyone who can't focus some time and attention on me. Who can't be the big spoon when I need it. Who isn't sexual when I want to be. There is this whole thing with a relationship that is give and take. I can't be the only 'giver' anymore. I won't.
I have needs.
It took me 33 years to discover that I have needs. I have boundaries. I have desires. I have emotions. I have all these things and the thing about it is... I am me. Someone if they're with me, they need to SEE ME.
Today. Today I saw myself. I spent time scrubbing my home. That made me feel better even though i could care less. It made me feel better because I felt as though I wouldn't be as ashamed to invite someone in. Afterward, I ran some errands because I'm "responsible" then I swam. I did 2 sessions of laps in the pool that were the equivalent of running 2 miles. I grabbed a bite to eat and hit the barn. I had a nice, relaxing, sunset ride with my mare. It was a great day.
Today I focused on things that made me feel good about myself.
Today I did something for me.
Today I was important.
So the question is what does tomorrow bring? Probably nothing. I have a meeting in the morning that's pretty important but, I think it's going to go well.
The next day. That's the one I worry about. The day after tomorrow. Where will that one end?