My dog loves me but, my kids are mad at me, my family doesn't understand what I'm dealing with, my friends don't understand why I can't just 'let it go' and I'm depressed. I put on my 'happy face' around people because I'm not allowed to be down and out. Life gets wonky when you're dealing with someone no one understands they think it's 'petty' or 'silly' because they don't know the whole story.
I don't feel blessed right now. I know I am but, I'm not 'feeling it'. I am human. I have days just like you have days. Some are harder than others. I feel like good things have gone away and I know there is a blessing in it but, right now I'm in the middle of it and I can't see it.
What am I supposed to do? I used to be a people pleaser but, I'm not anymore and it really, really hard. When you have a certain personality type, and people 'take advantage' of that you get to a point where you want the people around you to be happy but, you also get exhausted from giving all the time and never getting anything in return. And... I don't mean that givers want anything except recognition and to not be taken for granted. No one no matter how much of a giver they are wants to feel invisible, disrespected, taken for granted, and unloved.
Something that happens to me with this 'petty stuff' as someone called it. I stress. In some cases I panic with fear and worry. I eat. I am exercising, and trying to eat healthy and do right and because of a situation last week in 2 days I gained 8 pounds. You might think that's crazy but, it's the God's honest truth. I went from 209 to 217. I'm now on the downhill side of that back to 212 but I was traveling for 2 days and hung out at a very uncomfortable, unattractive 217. Why? Binge eating. Stress eating. Can't get full at times like that. Bad choices. Cake, jelly beans and lots of it. Water weight. When you eat a ton of sugar all at once like that your body holds every ounce of water it gets and I drink a lot of water. How do you get rid of it. Stop eating so much. Drink a ton of water. Poop.
I have always been a 'comfort food' eater. It was taught to met very early. Upset? Eat. Here's a donut. Here's a cookie. Have some ice cream. That's what my grandparents did. Food was a reward, it was also a 'here i hope you feel better' tactic. I developed an issue very early on and I have battled it my entire life. I'm not attractive. I'm not even cute anymore. Now I'm just a middle aged, fat, unemployed mom. I can't seem to make a go of anything these days. I can't even write a country song because I'm the one that quit my job, left my husband, and got a dog. I'm the one that is supposed to be moving on high on life. Yeah - that isn't happening. At least not right now.
How do you keep from getting depressed? I used to dive into work and try to forget the rest of my problems. But,... no job. I would try to exercise and run and move, but... out of shape. I am doing that just can't do it like I did 8 years ago. On 4/5/2015 I had just broken it off with some guy I dated for all of a couple months. One of those you never introduce to anyone because they didn't 'make it' that far. I was talking to another guy that I liked but he couldn't get over his ex and was trying to get custody of his kids so he was too 'complicated'. 2-3 weeks later I met him. He was fun and exciting and different. Very different from anyone I had met before. I met him online. We chatted a few times. We met several weeks later and we hit off. He was tall, dark, handsome, funny, and mesmerizing. The 'crazy' wasn't a bad crazy it was different. I later found out why and by then I was sucked in. People asked me why I didn't run. Because I was a 'fixer' and I thought I could fix him because I saw all this potential there was so much potential there. I learned though people have to fix themselves and they won't change if they don't want to. You can't make them. What you can do is spend a lot of time, energy, and money on someone who thinks they might want to change but, will never actually take the steps necessary to make a change.
Some people think I need to change. I do. I need to find a way to get over my food addiction. I need to stop thinking that food is comfort. I need to remember how hard I worked to get to 160 and do it again. I need to not allow other people to derail my sucess. One thing he used to tell me that made so much sense to me until it was him doing it "don't let others rent space in your head" I did that correction, I do that. I let things bother me that are out of my control. I let people affect my mood that aren't anywhere near me. I let him get to me and I go back and forth with why. 1 - I may never see him again. Some think that's a good thing for me. Some days I do too. 2 - I may see him again, the only questions are how, and when. I don't want to but, I do. It's this huge, complicated thing that I don't know how to process. My idea of processing is to 'get over it', shove it down and move on. That's what I was taught and my parents still try to teach it and it is absolutely the most unhealthy thing in the world. I have to feel it. If I don't feel my feelings I can't process them. If I can't process them I can't deal with them. If I can't deal with them I can't let go of them and if I can't let go I can't move on.
Therefore I'm stuck. I'm not moving forward, backward, left or right. I'm planted and balking. God is moving all around me. I see him. I know he's there. But. I'm not ready to move yet. He won't bless me till I move. He won't bring new, better, doors into my life until I take steps necessary but, I don't know what steps to take. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
This is when I shut down. This is when I say 'tell me how to feel' because my ENTIRE life someone parent, grandparent, spouse, someone has told me how to feel. Someone has told me what move to make. Someone has guided me either on purpose or not. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO. I'm trying this blog thing to make money but, it's not working. I'm trying other things to make money but, eBay is the only thing that does and honestly it's more trouble than it's worth. I need 4-9000 over the next 4-8 weeks. I have NO clue how I'm going to get it. I QUIT MY JOB. I HAVE NO PROSPECTS. I DON'T WANT 9-5 Corporate life anymore. But.... I got to live. I got to provide for my kids. I'm SICK TO DEATH of being a slave to the system, a slave to dead end marriages, a slave to politicians and their never ending taxes. Good Lord they tax everything to death. You get paid, you get taxed, you buy something with what you have left, you get taxed, you save it to use it later, you get taxed again. It's a NEVER ENDING cycle.
I don't know what I want to do. I don't know how to do it. I'm lost. Do you ever feel like you have no clue what your next step is, let alone your next move? People will say just put one foot in front of the other, ok, I've done that and look where it got me. I want my income back but, I don't want to work for that company or that boss ever again. People in leadership roles in large popular corporations should never be allowed to treat anyone like they are beneath them and can't think for themselves. I want my family back but, I don't want the chaos, torment, and pain, that comes with the spouse and stepson.
Everyone has problems G. Everyone has to do something G. God will provide. Just keep the faith. Hold on to what you have. Hold on to your boys. Hold on to your animals. They all love you and need you. Keep doing what you're doing. God will make a way. Have the faith. While I know these things are all true days like today it's hard. The rain and the storms are depressing outside, and in my heart. i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have to go through the storm to get to the other side. I know that I have to keep trucking through. I know that God will provide. I know that God is faithful. I know that the little mustard seed of faith that I have right now is enough for God to see me and know that I need him.
What my boys and I need right now is healing. This world needs healing. My farm needs healing. This weather is crazy. The times are insane. Prices are through the roof. Housing is completely unaffordable. The job market is chaos. People aren't hiring because they want 10-20 years experience and don't want to pay for it. People aren't going to work because they are tired of the 9-5 stuck in an office for 40 years lifestyle. They want to live. They want to go and do and be something without an office holding them down.
Between 2020-2022 people discovered life outside corporate. They discovered ways to make money without having to be in their car 2-5 hours a day. They discovered they don't have to be a slave to the office. My goals changed. I used to want to climb that corporate ladder and I did. I used to want to be a Director or VP but, now.. now, I want to spend time with my kids, I want to ride and train horses (something I have always loved and enjoyed). My parents are older and I didn't have the greatest relationship with them as a kid so I am trying to enjoy one now. Life is changing and things are going to keep changing and the kids are going to grow up and my grandparents and parents they won't live forever but, for the next 5-10 years this is what I want. Farm life. Country living. No damn clock to punch. No corporate ladder, 9-5, corporate politics or game playing, none of that crap that never really means anything anyway. No. I want to get by. I want to pay off my debts. I want to pay my bills. I want time. Time. That's all I ever wanted in my marriage too and that's the one thing he couldn't give me. He wouldn't. He had all the time in the world but, none for me and somehow he made me feel bad for asking for it. So. I'm not asking for time anymore. I'm taking it until God says I can't.
I pray for this country. I pray for our leaders. I pray for employers. I pray for everyone who wants to go back to the old normal rather than create a new one. I pray that the diversity in the workplace everyone seeks so much for inclusion branch outward to include remote positions for people who don't wish to be in an office, in a suit and tie all day, driving all the time. I pray a new normal become far more popular where people actually enjoy spending time doing things that aren't 'work' related. I pray that times change for the better. After everything we learned and everything we lost, going back to the 'old mindset' just isn't worth it to me. Not anymore.
I lost my best friend. I lost my son. I lost my job. Yes, I made that choice but, it's still a loss. My feelings about what happened that got us here aren't petty. My story is mine, not theirs. My feelings are mine to feel. My abuse is mine to heal from. My hostile work environment was mine to change. God knows the truth. He knows what's on the other side of my storm. He will see me through. God will never leave me.